Warning: This is just stream of thought. May be hard to follow

I am going to stop apologizing for not writing on this blog. i don think it should be something that i feel bad for letting down. i think i write less cause i feel like i should, like if i were a "good" blogger i would write every week... or at least every month, so and so does it why cant I? im trying to get over that.

i worked all spring or fall depending on your location, with out much time off and had lots of fun while i WAS off. Then i took off for America right away. times were good and bad and nothing much inbetween. i have been thinking a lot about how i feel and why. people ask how i am and i don't know how to andswer. good, fine, ok, eh alright. but whats the truth. do you even want to know. honestly how do i know. i have found my self laughing or crying and when asked why i don't even know what to say. honestly both of these things have happened. and i am at a loss, i would stop what i was doing and do the opposit. sitting on my bed crying and my boyfriend asked why all i could do was stop and laugh cause i didn't know. i felt sad, everyone has things to be sad about, i am just like everyone else but in this moment i didn't know what the feeling was stemming from so did crying help? did laughing? i still don't know but what i have started to learn is that either way its ok. it was an expression of my feeling.

i have a lot of time off. i haven't worked in almost 2 months. you may read that and envy me, i know i am blessed, but i am also lost. I don't have enough money to do everything i want to, but i don't want to be so stingy and save so much that i don't enjoy the life i am living right now just so i have extra money later on. i want a blance. i have been feeling useless. i love to be helpful and busy. some days yes i want to just sit and read o watch TV and movies. but somedays i want a reason to get out of bed before 9 and a place to be and people counting on me. in a month or two ill be looking back at this time and envy my past self, wishing for time to relax, time to sit and reflect. but right now. what do i do right now.

My visa for Australia runs out in December. so ill be moving back to the states, unsure of the kind of place ill be going home to. My boyfriend Tim is coming back with me, we will have christmas in PA i think. and then its all up in the air. i have my dream job. so whats next?! i got what i wanted for so many years i moved to australia had this job with kids doing what i love, it challenged me and changed me and i love it. i hate it every monday and love it every friday. but i cant stay, the next step is fast approaching but i am with out diretion. Front where i stand right now the next step looks like a foggy mount top. i am in white out conditions and my compass is just twirling. there are no baby steps or training wheel to help me. i have to make a move, the step i am on will be sucked back into the escalator, maybe ill be back someday when i am ready for it again. when i know i really want to live in australia and want to work for OEG. but i know that i cant right now. i need to take another step before i come back to this. so i am spending my time off soaking in this place i love, this country and these people. this house, these animals and friends, this quirky little town, and the amazing sceanes. oh and i am job hunting. doing what i can to narrow down what i want to do. looking for that job that jumps off the page at my. the one that has my name all over it. trying to see the next step with out loosing my balance on the one i am on. i am on my tippy toes and trying to be grounded. ok enough analagies. back the the job hunt.
Thanks for reading.

Home.....where is that?!!?!

        I am at my parents house this week. Being here has made me think a lot. Maybe because i have had 24 hours a day to do what ever i want. no plans, no people, just me. i have been thinking about jobs, what i want to do next, what i want to do after that. i have been thinking about God and what he wants, i have thought about JR and Jared back in Oz, about grandma and grandpa and how they figured out their lives, i have thought about all the people all over the world that i miss and how unfair that is. i have thought of adventure and what that means, and i have thought of home and where on earth that could be.
      linked in to all those things above is the thought of home. Here in west chester a place i have call home through college and even last year after moving all over the states, I dont exactly feel at home.  i mean i love it here and i am comfortalbe like at "home" , but what is home? Home is where the heart is, riggggghttttt. no, in that case my home is in little peaces all over the country and world. i am a homebody so why have i found myself all over the place these days moving so much, have i changed from the little girl who didn't even go out with friends on weekends, who just wanted to be here? i have changed a lot over the years but i still love being home. but WHERE is it?  is that what i am looking for, is that why i am constantly on the move? West Chester will always be a home to me but it isn't Home. does that make sense... there is a different emphasis on those "home"s. my parents, my dog, my year books are here my memories and 2 or 3 friends are still here, but its not home. Its been 6 years now that i have been visiting home.... but home is not a place where you visit. This is my childhood home. But am i really a grown up? ha ha Noooooooooooo.
    Maybe home is like leisure, its a state of mind. No, it has to be more concrete than that. Home is where my bed is. Yes, right now that is in Eildon with my down comforters and big pillows, with my photos on the walls and my shoes in the wardrobe. Yes, 21st is my home, 2 weeks and i will be back.  But when people ask why i wont stay more that a year in Australia i say its to far from home... in that case home is the people i miss its Anne and the girls, its Sher, Grete and Maria, its Sarah and Frang, its Nate and Nate, and SO many more. so home is not just a place or where the heart is. its more.
    then i think of the Switchfoot song (which brings me back) "I Don't Belong Here". About how we are only on earth for a while, and heaven is our home. what i am searching for in "home" is really God!  i am not just going to find in a place, or a person, or a national park, or a memory. i am going to find it in myself and in ALL those things. i am just looking the wrong way.  My home is in Christ, i need to look through him and i AM home, everywhere.

    I was at my grandparents a few weeks ago and my grandpa asked what i wanted to do with my life, i think he was hoping, just like my dad is, to hear a grand plan of "where i see myself in ten years..." i just said, "I really don't know."  Not knowing what was going to come next i was surprised when he chuckled (cause thats what grandpas do, they chuckle not laugh, i think the ability comes with age and wisdom) and said,  "yeah me either" I don't know if he meant that, or if he was just being funny but it made me realize, i want to be like that, i want to never grow up, always wonder what i can do next. even if it means job searching every year or living in 25 of the 50 nifty United States.  So when i am 86 or whatever, i want to chuckle and wonder what adventure i should do next, even if its just wheeling myself down the drive way to get the mail with out letting any cars see me just for the thrill and challenge (Maria and i would do that) I'll be happy. Because life is an adventure and I'll always be at home.  so why worry.

Travels

The past two weeks i have been traveling around a bit. My traveling companions have been the usual JR and Jared as well as Clair and Andrew aka Cluster. we started in Rye borrowing a car from a friends and traveling down to the quiet  beach town that is built for the bustling summers but was empty with only dog walking locals to interrupt our game of bocci ball on the beach.

    We then went back to the city (melbourne) and attended a footie game my second ever and it was a close one in a sold out stadium so as the teams took turns in the lead as the time ran out and my team took the victory there was jumping and hugs for all including strangers. the next day we went ice skating with a bunch of friends and then to coffee and drinks and finally to a bar to meet friends. sunday we hung around town until our train left around 7:30 for the long slow ride to sydney. Arriving around 8:30 AM after almost no sleep we met JRs friend had some coffee where she worked and then headed to manly beach. it was much warmer up in NSW and so we went in the water and the boys went for a surf. JR was the only to catch the wave but the 2 hours they had the board for were very entertaining for all.  taking the ferry back as teh sun set over the city and the opera house and the bridge was one of my highlights. JR and i then made our way to my friend Chelsea's house where we were going to stay. she was headed back toe the city with friends so we tagged along and met up with ours again. we went to a hostel bar where they did hermit crab racing it was very entertaining and we ended up choosing to stay with our buddies around the corner rather than head all the way back out of the city. the next morning headed out for a walk and explore of the city and then went back the Chelsea's house till dinner when we went in for a steak. the next day i hung low tired from all the travel and city walking. until around 4 when i went in and explored the light show that was happening this month around the harbor. it was really cool to see the different ways light had been made in to art. i grabbed some fish and chips along the dock and headed to the opera house to meet up with some others for a play in the famous building. it was a good play though not remarkable enough to remember the name. it was worth it and now i can say i saw it in the opera house. then next day (we are now on thursday) i met up with JR who was now staying at his friends Somonas house had some lunch a walked around for the afternoon. we explored the botanical gardens and the market, i got some authentic aussie uggs and we poked around the opera house in the light. we found a free concert going onn and watched for a while. there was a really cool play ground we spent some time in and then he left to meet up with his friend and i met up with the others to catch the train back here to melbs. now i am in the victoria state library and amazing old building with many rooms full of quiet people. i really like it here but i look forward to the bus home and being able to sleep in my very own bed tonight. what a pleasant feeling that will be. so that is a very dry and boring play by play of my week of tourism. i had a great time but i am ready for a rest day tomorrow, cause sunday i head to the snow to hike the 5 tallest peaks in australia. not remarkable high but remarkable nontheles.  i wish i were a more motivated talented blogger.

A TOAST

Sitting in my room this morning looking at my blank walls wondering what it will take to make this room seem more like mine and less borrowed i decided to decorate. the problem was that i didn't have anything to put up. no pictures no posters i had already hung the letters i had received from friends and family on my one wall but the white of the other 3 was over powering. then i remembered that i occasionally stick things in my bible that i like to come across and so i cracked open the stiff but well loved binding of the holy book. much to my surprise the thin pages of my bible were choke full of goodies with meaning and home all over them. among the things i found were the following:

school Pic of jill N.

pics of my sisters

camp photo of the trip staff

the best letter my little sister ever wrote me that makes me cry every time

photos of the one and only Lydia Luse

a sherpa note from the beautiful Cait Snyder

a drawing from JR

a book mark with a poem made by the wise Heather Lenahan

notes from sermons and new testament

a cross bookmark made by the talented Dasha

and an add i ripped out years ago with a toast on it:

A Toast

to nearest

to dearest

to the crew

to cahoots

to the ones who've been there

to the ones who'll be there

to dropping everything

to saying anything

to no judgements

to no doubts

to loyalty to trust

to favors

to life longs

to been to long

to nothings changed

to having history

to having your back

to moving away

to never to far

to growing up

to settling down

to your second family

to FRIENDS

I went looking for a reminder of home, and found it in the one place i should have know held home all along.

Dear Friends and family i miss you.

Holiday in New Zealand

Here i am sitting in a nice warm room in Kaikoura New Zealand as it is cool and drizzling outside. i am not in a hostel or a tent but comfortable on the bed of a really good friend from the states. Alicia and I worked at La Vida together along with john who also works here. they both work for creation care studies in new Zealand and Ali has been here for 3 years now. i flew in on saturday and an here for the week visiting and exploring their county side. Sunday we went to church and just hung out resting and getting tours of town and the old convent they live in. On monday (the only good day in the forecast) Ali and i lest and headed north-ish to Nelson lakes for a day and night of tramping (what they call hiking) we had amazing weather and hiked up a valley to a hut and had an amazing but windy ridge walk down the the car the next day and back to the convent in time for tea (in NZ and Oz tea can mean dinner) on our way to nelson lakes on monday we stopped off the side of the road and had about a 5-10 mon walk up la path to pa spot where mother seals drop their baby seals off for a day or two while they go hunt. the babies make there way up a stream to a pool and waterfall and play. there were SO many baby seals it was amazing an watching them i couldn't stop laughing. they have no legs! if you have ever seen a seal walk you will know what i mean. that is NOT what they were made to do. anyway after an early evening last night i got up today feeling good and refreshed. another girl who works here also has a friends visiting so while Ali was working me and the other visiting girl went on our own adventure. we drove over to a seal colony on the other side of town (still only about 10 min away) and took a walk along the coast. we saw a lot of seals, some sea anemone, 3 star fish and a suicidal cow. there was a cow farm on top of the cliffs we walked along and then down some stair and along the water back to the car park. at one point along the water we found a dead little cow that had clearly gotten out of the fence and jumped down the cliff. well he could have been pushed but i am no detective so i will not be making any calls here. after our walk we wandered in town and i got a few post cards then made our way back to the convent for a lovely lunch. I then got to feed some eels that live in the stream across the street with john. we dumped the fish guts from the fish john had speared the day before in the the stream and 4 eels about 2 ft long each came out and ate them. i then ran errands with john and got some NZ sheeps wool yarn and i am back here trying to start a hat and blog at the same time. its almost time for dinner then a night out with the staff. fire and NZ beers on the beach. looking forward to a wonderful remainder of my holiday week. i really like this place.

Trips tripS TRips

In the past month i have some great trips and a few not so great ones. i had wonderful group of all girls. they were lovely and so easy. then i have a not so easy group of co ed year 7s. 9 boys and 4 girls all under my care and the care of a teach (who switched out halfway through the week) both the teachers i worked with were on their cell phones most the week and didnt invest much in the kids. meaning that it was mostly me who was running around trying to make everything happen. the kids were for the most part really good. but they were year 7. so they did a lot of things wrong. I got to work with several great support staff for different activites that we did so that was good and i got some good feedback from them that i handled my wild group very well considering the energy level. after that week i was proud of my self. last week was on canoe support so that meant that i was a helper on the canoe part of 2 different groups journeys. We were in Kangaroo Valley in NSW (my first time in the new state) it was so pretty and very foggy every morning with only 1 day of rain that was not so bad and loads of warm sun. I started on one side of the lake and canoed across with a group then on wednesday at lunch dropped that group off and went right back with a new group. the first half of my week the GL had it all under control but the 2nd half the GL was tired and loved having my help. luckily i got along very well with Bri ( the GL) so didn't mind stepping in and acting as a GL 2. i had a great week with the boys even though it was very tiring. Because of our numbers we had uneven number of people so i was paddling a canoe solo for the entire week. but i am stronger now. i have great pictures but they are one on this computer so you may want to check facebook if i ever get to uploading on there. thankfully that trip lead in to 2 weeks of holiday so here i am in New Zealand recovering and enjoying time off before the first week of term 2 starts. one down 3 more to go!

So it begins...

One program down many many more to go. my first program went well this week. i had a lot to learn from the kids and from the mistakes i made. OEGs programs are very well supported so everything happened smoothly and the kids had a great time and bonded. My next program is on lake Eildon so my back yard essentially. its a canoe program so i am excited to get out on the water.

In my time off i have learned to water ski and am working on getting better. one of my friends here has a boat and is always trying to get people to come out with him. I was able to get up on one water ski and am now trying to get the carving down. i have finally moved out of the staff housing and am very happy in my own room and a big bed all to my self. i share a house with 3 boys who are all very nice and are happy to have a girl in the house to bring more girls over to hang out. hahaha. it talks me about 15 min to ride my bike to work and about 40 to walk but when i need to go on program there are always people driving who i can bum a ride off of.

above is a pic of my good friend TJ from the states. she is the reason i am over here and has been so good to me. its great to have someone who knows you from home when you are so far away.

friday i have driver training so i will be driving on the left and shifting with my left hand for the first time. that should be exciting and i hope i pass so i can get out of Eildon. anyway i am excited for things to come and have loved hanging out with my new friends and co workers.

this is a spider that lives in the staff house i just moved out of. its about the size of my palm. they can't bit humans but they are nasty looking. this one is eating a fly.