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Sunday, July 28, 2013

Warning: This is just stream of thought. May be hard to follow

I am going to stop apologizing for not writing on this blog. i don think it should be something that i feel bad for letting down. i think i write less cause i feel like i should, like if i were a "good" blogger i would write every week... or at least every month, so and so does it why cant I? im trying to get over that.

i worked all spring or fall depending on your location, with out much time off and had lots of fun while i WAS off. Then i took off for America right away. times were good and bad and nothing much inbetween. i have been thinking a lot about how i feel and why. people ask how i am and i don't know how to andswer. good, fine, ok, eh alright. but whats the truth. do you even want to know. honestly how do i know. i have found my self laughing or crying and when asked why i don't even know what to say. honestly both of these things have happened. and i am at a loss, i would stop what i was doing and do the opposit. sitting on my bed crying and my boyfriend asked why all i could do was stop and laugh cause i didn't know. i felt sad, everyone has things to be sad about, i am just like everyone else but in this moment i didn't know what the feeling was stemming from so did crying help? did laughing? i still don't know but what i have started to learn is that either way its ok. it was an expression of my feeling.

i have a lot of time off. i haven't worked in almost 2 months. you may read that and envy me, i know i am blessed, but i am also lost. I don't have enough money to do everything i want to, but i don't want to be so stingy and save so much that i don't enjoy the life i am living right now just so i have extra money later on. i want a blance. i have been feeling useless. i love to be helpful and busy. some days yes i want to just sit and read o watch TV and movies. but somedays i want a reason to get out of bed before 9 and a place to be and people counting on me. in a month or two ill be looking back at this time and envy my past self, wishing for time to relax, time to sit and reflect. but right now. what do i do right now.

My visa for Australia runs out in December. so ill be moving back to the states, unsure of the kind of place ill be going home to. My boyfriend Tim is coming back with me, we will have christmas in PA i think. and then its all up in the air. i have my dream job. so whats next?! i got what i wanted for so many years i moved to australia had this job with kids doing what i love, it challenged me and changed me and i love it. i hate it every monday and love it every friday. but i cant stay, the next step is fast approaching but i am with out diretion. Front where i stand right now the next step looks like a foggy mount top. i am in white out conditions and my compass is just twirling. there are no baby steps or training wheel to help me. i have to make a move, the step i am on will be sucked back into the escalator, maybe ill be back someday when i am ready for it again. when i know i really want to live in australia and want to work for OEG. but i know that i cant right now. i need to take another step before i come back to this. so i am spending my time off soaking in this place i love, this country and these people. this house, these animals and friends, this quirky little town, and the amazing sceanes. oh and i am job hunting. doing what i can to narrow down what i want to do. looking for that job that jumps off the page at my. the one that has my name all over it. trying to see the next step with out loosing my balance on the one i am on. i am on my tippy toes and trying to be grounded. ok enough analagies. back the the job hunt.
Thanks for reading.